Wednesdays are Special: Happy Whacking Day
by G.T. Beren

…and the lord said whack ye all the serpents which crawl on their bellies and they town shall be a beacon onto others.

On the evening of May 10, 1775, Jebediah Obadiah Zachariah Springfield, a lieutenant under Benedict Arnold, helped the American forces capture Ft. Ticonderoga with just one shot.  This victory was of profound importance for two main reasons. It severed a major British information and supply artery, forcing them to use two commanders, rather than one, for the rest of the war. It also gave the soon to be formed Continental Army access to the heavy artillery needed to capture Boston.

Earlier in the day, however, while preparing for the siege, Jebediah had a profound victory all his own. He was chopping fire wood just outside the encampment when he heard rustling in the bushes some 50 yards away. At first he thought it was a British scout so he grabbed his musket and cautiously headed toward the sound. As he got closer, the head of a massive snake finally pushed it’s way into the clearing. Jebediah was stunned. This python-like snake was epic in size—historians estimate that the snake was 25-30 feet in length with a head almost as big as man’s—and unlike most of the snakes he had encountered, it had no fear of humans. In fact, it seemed to view him as dinner. How exactly a snake of this scale had made it to Vermont of all places is unclear and in truth unimportant. All that matters is that it was there and that it was a threat to the American encampment.

Jebediah, who was now only a few yards from the rapidly advancing snake, opened fire and wounded the serpent. Still, the snake was not deterred. Jebediah, being the brilliant tactician that he was, knew he did not have time to reload his musket, so he decided to wield it as a club. For over an hour he dueled with the snake, brushing it lunges aside with swing of his weapon. Finally, as fatigue began to set in, he knew he needed to go on the offensive. Not only was his life at stake but so were those of the men in the encampment. He advanced at the snake—stunning it momentarily with his change in tactics—and, with a mighty two-hand over-the-head chop, hit the serpent right on the head, killing it instantly

This of course was not Jebediah’s first encounter, nor his last, with a wild animal, but it is the most famous. In fact, to commemorate his heroic actions, which surely saved his encampment from the hungry serpent, a holiday known as Whacking Day was established.

Every May 10, the inhabitants of cities and towns across this great nation celebrate Whacking Day, thereby honoring a true American patriot.  They do so not by exchanging gifts, or setting off fireworks, but rather by reenacting his epic struggle.  Traditionally all of the able-bodied citizens in a town gather on the outskirts and then, with an assortment of noisemakers, chase all of the snakes into the middle of town. There, they take out their whacking sticks and proceed to whack all of the snakes to death. And, in what can only been seen as progressive foresight, minorities and women were always welcomed in this reenactment.

Actually, Whacking Day can be seen as one of the few holidays that truly unites a town. Not only is there all of the camaraderie that goes with chasing helpless garden snakes to the middle of town, but there’s almost always a country fair as well as performances by grade school children. I remember as a boy being so excited the year my class got to sing the Whacking Day song which is informally viewed as the start of the festivities. I can still remember all the words to the first verse…

Oh whacking day, oh whacking day. Our hallowed saint’s skull cracking day. We’ll break their backs, gouge out their eyes, their evil hearts we’ll pulverize. Oh whacking day, oh whacking day. May god bestow his grace on thee.

So for those of you who are already preparing their whacking sticks and noise makers I would like to wish you and yours a very happy Whacking Day. And for the rest of you, I hope you take this opportunity to call your town’s civic office in order to find out about the Whacking Day festivities taking place today in your town.

Oh, and if there aren’t any, start the tradition up yourself. Yes, you are just one person but as Jebediah once said, “A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.” Besides, it’s the least you can do to acknowledge his actions on May 10, 1775. He risked his life for our future freedom, and we must never forget that. Otherwise, we let the snakes win.

When not working on his black 1986 Supra Comp ts6m, G.T. Beren enjoys watching a good game, experiencing the great outdoors and reading irate emails from his devotees.  You can reach him by dropping a message into gtberens_inbox@hotmail.com

May 10, 2006

References:

Jean, A., & Reiss, M. (Executive Producers). (1993). The Simpsons [Television Series].
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